The Real Stuff

This post is difficult for me to write. I don't like to open up often. I don't like to tell people I'm not thriving. It's so easy to fall into the perfection trap and post pictures of big smiles that don't at all reflect what I'm going through. To be completely upfront and honest, I'm going through a lot, but I can't say its all bad. In fact, things have been pretty great lately. But, that doesn't overlook the fact that I have made another mistake in my training that has me sidelined with planters fasciitis. After my strongest and healthiest build up yet, I am sad to admit that this small niggle has turned into something I can no longer ignore. Its just one of those things that comes with running. Right when you think you're on top of your issues, a stressful week hits you. You sleep a little less, maybe walk a little more than you should, neglect proper recovery, and hope your body can bounce back. Which, in some cases, it does and you're lucky. In this case, after a tough finals week during my summer semester of classes, my body was not feeling lucky. I hoped it would be something I could get through, and for months I've been making it work by the skin of my teeth, but sadly I have exhausted all my resources, except for rest. I am devastated to find myself in this position again, but I am more motivated than ever to get to the bottom of this long chain of injuries. Issues need to faced which means time and patience will play a big part in my recovery. I am in no rush to come back this time. I want longevity and health more than I want to breathe and these things don't happen over night. I will never stop believing in the runner i set out to be two years ago. I will never stop dreaming of what I know I am capable of. The big things that make you feel crazy to even imagine will always excite me more than they scare me. So, stay tuned for my 2.5 years of upcoming eligibility, its going to be a wild ride.

On the topic of struggles, I think its necessary for me to be real and authentic about the baggage injuries bring. Its so easy to get caught up in "the comeback" that you forget to focus on the now. Its easy to get fixated on the ideal mindset you want everyone to look up to. You forget to address the underlying issues you may be dealing with behind closed doors. Smiling and staying positive to your team and supporters only goes so far until you are finally alone with your thoughts and the reality is too much. As athletes, we don't want people to think we are weak or capable of showing human emotions. We do things that make us so gritty, so shouldn't we portray grit at all times? We are so lucky to have the best resources on campus, to get a good education paid for while we get to do what we love; what do we possibly have to complain about? These thoughts are tough to confront because its true. What we do is selfish. But, its the fear of backlash when confronting mental issues that leads student athletes to commit suicide every year. God forbid we ask for help; because when you rely solely on your body to make you happy and bring you success, what could possibly go wrong? For those who didn't catch on, thats a rhetorical question.

We put ourselves up to this though. We chose this life. Because without our sport, we don't have our identity. We lose what makes us feel the most alive. I never felt more alive than when I'm running. There will never be a better feeling than a beautiful trail run on the side of a mountain overlooking a lake. Or running through the trees jumping over roots that make you feel like you're flying for just a split second. Running will never be something I take for granted. I have my injuries to thank for that. Because through all of the hardships I have faced, the longer I stay away from running, the more infatuated I become with my sport.

The true test with these kind of struggles is how you deal with the present moment. Are you in a position that makes you feel stable in the other aspects of your life? Do you have the right people to help you through this? Do you have the best resources to get you healthy again? The most important thing I've learned through injury is to put myself in a situation that makes running just a bonus. That way its not the center of my world and it isn't crashing down around me if I so happen to lose it. I am so lucky to have made the move to Reno. I have never felt more fulfilled in my entire life, even when running isn't going so hot. I have met so many incredible people who are truly there for me. I am attending a university with a degree I'm passionate about, I cut out the negativity that was weighing me down, and I have all the support and resources I could ever ask for. My life has been so great lately, it makes it difficult to be sad.

So here I am, after a long hiatus of silence, I bring you the real shit. The world is far too fixated on how to be the happiest these days through social media. Its like a competition on who appears to be doing better through perfectly edited photos and candids that weren't actually candid at all. The obsession with being perfect has caused far more issues for me than opening up and being honest about my struggles ever will. Life is too short to play pretend. I'm here, I'm real, and I'm getting through it. It doesn't have to be pretty, it just has to get done. And I promise it will. To those who have supported me, from Idaho, to Washington, to Reno, you are truly appreciated more than you know. I channel the support and love from you all on my darkest days. Also, don't forget, my Instagram inbox is always open. Don't hesitate to reach out.

XOXO