Lets Talk Love

The picture in your head is always 10 times prettier than what it really looks like in real life. Yes, I can be referring to my injuries, or life in general, but this is an off topic for me. Love. I don't like to write about this topic because its always felt like something private, and yes, it will mostly stay that way. But I can't help but feel like I can open up about a few things on my mind lately. Why? Because females all around me relate. I don't know a lot about flirting with guys, but I do know a hell of a lot when it comes to being in a real relationship. I also know what its like to think you are going to have something your entire life, only to realize you didn't actually want it. So, I have five lessons from the pain I've dealt with through love and the self love that is compromised because of it. Today, I thought I could help others to share.

People are imperfect. That is one thing you can never forget. Because no matter who the person is, they will never be spot on with every quirk, tick, and favorite thing about you. If you want someone to fall in love with you, they have to take the time to learn about you. They have to know what makes you happy, what makes you cry, and what makes you angry. They have to know when to respect you when your guard is up, but also how to break it down and be there for you. This doesn't just happen though. Its a lot of trial and error that can take months, even years to master. You have to be patient with people. However, there is a fine line between the process of learning and growing, and knowing you deserve better. If you aren't being treated right, and its common sense that you deserve better, don't waste your time. Much easier said than done, i know. You can tell a person something that upsets you and hope that they will do what they can to fix it. Give them a chance to prove it too. But, if they have ruined that chance or proven over and over that what you said wasn't a priority, you will save yourself a lot of heart ache in the future to let them go now.

You need to feel supported. Like a good bra, you need to know they will always be there. However, you have to adjust to their needs too. This one is tough because things can get messy when two people have separate struggles. Learning to compromise yours for a moment to help the other and visa versa is important. Being open about helping each other equally is great communication. But, if you are throwing away your issues just to help them and not getting the same efforts back, you're not in a healthy place. You need to talk. You need to open up. You can't play the guessing game. They shouldn't just know whats wrong all the time, and you shouldn't expect it either. Communicating openly is a big deal. For example, "I don't like when you..." or "I am upset because..." or even "I am having a hard time..." are good conversation starters.

Be aware of your conscious and unconscious feelings. From personal experience, I remember a million instances where I heard a little voice in the back of my head saying "this is not okay" or "you don't deserve this" but I always found a way to ignore it. You have that part of your brain for a reason. Its the same part of your brain that says, don't touch that its hot, or don't jump you'll die. Its funny how we listen to it then, but not when we aren't in immediate danger. You are literally telling yourself to be alert or get away. Its instinct. However, after countless times questioning that statement, you learn to ignore it completely. Maybe thats because it doesn't jump back and bite you immediately. Maybe the bite takes time. Sadly, the voice is almost always right. You may find that you can forget your instincts quite quickly, but they will creep up in different ways later. I promise, they always do. Because no matter what a person says, they can never take back how they made you feel.

Love is not linear. Its not a fairytale movie. You don't lock eyes with someone in a crowded room and know they're "the one" instantly. You don't introduce yourself and suddenly realize you have everything in common. And having everything in common doesn't necessarily mean you are soul mates. Love is a process. Its a question mark until time and time again you feel more and more sure. Then, maybe that question mark becomes an exclamation point. You adjust with their likes and dislikes. Maybe you start to love something just as much as they do because you love the way they light up when talking about it. Maybe you hate something they like, but learn to live with it because you love them more. Love is being content with the quiet moments and sitting beside someone knowing you don't have to make the situation perfect in order for it to feel perfect. It can just be. Love is quiet and loud at the same time. It deserves time and patience, but most importantly, its survived by individual self love and patience too. This brings me to my next point.

Love yourself first. If you don't feel like you can do that without someone else's praise, you need to take some mental evaluations. No matter how much a person loves you, if you can't love yourself, you aren't going to be able to commit fully. Why? Because insecurity is how jealousy happens and with jealousy comes snooping, not being able to trust, and constant doubt. You can also let the other person walk all over you because you aren't capable of realizing what you deserve. If your head is not in the right place, you will not get the right kind of love and you will not be able to give it back either.

I want to be clear when I say, I am not an expert at love. However, I had a five year relationship that I believed would last the rest of my life. It took 4 years for me to realize things were far from perfect and weren't going to last forever. I knew if we were to get married, there would be a divorce in the future. The idea of seeing him get down on one knee, stopped feeling exciting. And after we broke up, I stopped believing that I was capable of love because it was too easy for me to throw it away. However, I realized the voice I had ignored in my head for years and years was finally heard loud and clear. I couldn't ignore anything anymore and it all came crashing down during a very big transition in my life. I didn't have the right kind of love for him anymore. I didn't have any love for myself either. Now, after several months to recollect my feelings and actually communicate them out loud, I realize how often I let things get toxic. I was too patient, let things slide too much, and gave up on the idea of leaving when I was mistreated. Instead, I just waited for the perfect apology and better days. Don't do what I did. Don't let yourself settle for anything less than you deserve.

I hope my lessons help you through the question marks. I hope you are able to love with your whole heart and I hope its with someone who deserves it. Most importantly, don't give up on love just because there are assholes out there. You will find it in the most unlikely places.

Until next time loves,

XOXO